My sweet baby boy turned 8 months old yesterday. He is a healthy, smart, beautiful little boy. He grew inside my body. It knew exactly what to do to bring him into this world. My body has nourished his brain and his body for 8 months. Despite all of the amazing things my body has done, every time I look in the mirror, I scowl at it.
My body has looked like this once before. When I was in my early twenties, my parents got a divorce. I ran away to Portland, Oregon with my boyfriend at the time. I left my brother and sister to deal with the separation without me. My foundation was cracked, and I was not strong enough to help my younger siblings, much less my parents through this time. My guilt turned to depression. By the time I returned home one year later I had gone from 140lbs to 200lbs.
I moved back in with my dad, brother, and sister and started jogging. It wasn’t long before my body responded. My depression disappeard and so did the extra weight I was carrying.
Jumping now to present day. I am married to a strong, stubborn, amazing man who makes me feel like I can take over the world if I wanted to. I have curious, smart and adorable baby boy. I live in a beautiful home less than 3 miles away from my brother. I also have post pardom depression and a body that doesn’t feel like it belongs to me.
I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those pregnant woman who looks like she’s smuggling a beach ball. I’ve always been… sturdy. I have thick, strong legs. No thigh gap here. I have hips, a booty and a bit of chunk where my arms touch at the armpits. I love those things about me.
My new body has a tummy that sticks out like I’m still 6 months pregnant. It has a “muffin top” when I try to wear jeans. My arms are thick, and my hips are bumpy. My face sports bags under my eyes and a creased brow. I am struggling to love this body.
I would never look at another person’s body the way I am looking at my own. I am committing to loving myself and being grateful to my body for doing a wonderful job. Loving my body right now also means that I’m not going to put crappy food in for fuel. I’m not going to let myself be hungry as a punishment for not being the shape and size I think I should be. I am going to work out. I’m going to look in the mirror and smile at myself.
I am starting this blog for myself, my family, my son and future children. I am choosing to love myself and live an extraordinary life.