I feel a struggle between two parts of my personality. I am a strong, take charge, action oriented type of woman. I am also a soft, patient wife and mother. I know it is possible to be both of these things always. I have worked very hard to be the same person regardless of the situation. I used to change my personality to fit the role I needed to play because I’m a total people pleaser, but that got old and exhausting. I am relatively new to this whole wife and mother thing, and I’m not afraid to admit that I am struggling.
I’ve pretty much always known I wanted to get married and have kids. My husband and I only dated 3 months before I asked him to marry me. I knew he was going to be my partner and the father of my children. Still, we waited four years to start trying for children, just to be sure.
Our first year of marriage was a struggle for both of us. I had a tremendously hard time remembering that I was a part of a “we” now. I would constantly test and push my husband. I would get myself worked up and explode on him accusing him of not loving me anymore. I needed constant reassurance that we were okay. I also couldn’t stop trying to be in charge of him. My other boyfriends didn’t mind this quality of mine. Inevitably, I would turn into “girlfriend mommy” and I would wind up restenting my partner. We have since achieved a better balance, but as our relationship evolves and dynamics shift, that balance requires a lot of work.
In January of this year my son was born and I became a mom. I talked a big talk about how I was still going to work full time after the baby came. Earning money was a very big part of how I defined my self worth. After the baby came, the countdown clock started ticking and I was so sad to think that I was going to have to leave my little boy. I went back to work, but my heart stayed home with my son. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, or at least only have to work part time. It was time for a change.
Losing my income feels very scary to me. Finances are not good right now, and I keep thinking that I can save the day if I just go out and find another serving job to pull us through. Never mind the fact that I need to go to school and raise my son. I can do it all! The “take action” part of me doesn’t see that I can save the day by helping my husband find the job that will make enough money to thrive. I can be a soft place for him to land when he feels discouraged. I can keep my spirits up and remember why we decided to make this change in the first place.
I am most certainly struggling to quiet the impulsive go getter in my brain. I know that things are going to get better very soon. I am excited to be putting some hard work into my personal future and the future of my family. I think that if I can let go of my perceived powerful role of primary provider, I will gain even more power as stay-at-home wife and mom.